Return to Panic
by Madd Aless
Summary: Set after Swan Song  Spoilers: through season 5 and some preseason teasers  Possible future twist of Sam's return maybe slightly AU, Sam POV on past decisions


**Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Kripke, the CW, and the other powers that be not me. **

**Spoilers: through season 5 and some preseason teasers**

**A/N possible future twist of Sam's return**

**Warning: no final beta so all mistakes are my fault**

**SPSPSPPSPSP**

Sam sighed in frustration and mentally cringed as he sat at the edge of the cot. Yes, he had saved Dean but at what cost. Sam glared at the locked door of Bobby's panic room and shook his head in frustration.

"And they say the truth will set you free. Humph. Well, they obviously never met us".

Sam could still hear the words echoing in his head from before Dean had slammed out of the room.

"Why, Sammy, Why?" Dean had glared at him in such a pleading way. "Why did you do it?"

"Dean, they were going to kill you. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't have any control over it."

"You should have found some other way. How can I accept what you've done. What you've become, again. I thought maybe I could trust you, guess I was wrong"

"But did you trust me really? 10 minutes to go around. If you'd only waited we could have fought them together. No, you had to face them alone. To protect me, to protect me from what? I have been hunting how long and not just on my own? I've been to Hell and back, literally. What more do you want?" Sam had almost yelled in frustration.

"You said things were different now, that we had a chance for a new start since you're back, but it is the same old thing. Secrets first and now lies, again,"

Dean was convinced he was lying Sam could tell by the stubborn look in Dean's eyes that much at least hadn't changed in the time they'd been apart.

"You believed in me at that boneyard, you believed I could hear you even with Lucifer in control, but you can't believe in me now?" Sam had cried in frustration, he had known Dean was mad at him for not telling him sooner that he was back, but really. "Dean, I don't need this not now."

"Oh? Not now then when, Sam? I saw what you did."

"Yeah, and I'm still not sure how"

"Sam, don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying! Why can't you trust me"

"Because, I saw you throw that table across the room"

"I didn't do that, well yeah I did that but I didn't do anything else. Yes, I did move the table, but I didn't drink any blood. I haven't had any more since right before saying Yes to Lucifer."

"And I'm supposed to believe that?"

"Yes, because it is the truth."

The slamming door had been Dean's only response to that.

Sam lay back on the cot staring at the ceiling and the devil's trap high overhead with a sigh and wondered how long it would take this time before Dean let him out. He had no real way of knowing because this time, this time he was telling the truth. There would be no detox. The only demon blood had been what had been splattered all over him while killing the demons guarding the back door of the place, but there was no convincing Dean of that.

Maybe Dean would realize his mistake and let Sam out soon, but Sam was so tired and really there was nothing to do but sleep, that and hope the nightmares didn't come, because then he would scream and Dean would think he'd lied.

He should have told Dean that the nightmares had started again but he'd been afraid. He'd been afraid how Dean would react to the return of his so called 'powers' and apparently he'd been right to worry though for the wrong reasons.

Dean thought he was drinking demon's blood again which had to be worse than simply being a freak with out of control powers again. Sam had long since realized that while being a freak wasn't an option, that he would never willingly give into his craving for demon blood again.

That last time and then trying to fight Lucifer had been terrifying. To be trapped in his own body, with no control. Yes, Meg had done that to him but not for long and for some reason her possession had been more like being caught in a bad dream. Lucifer possession had been so much worse and he had almost given up.

Only that brief moment of triggered memories had saved him. It had given him something to hold onto, something that was his and his alone, something solid and real. It had reminded Sam of childhood and of family but most importantly of love.

Sam thought that maybe that was the thing that had allowed him the chance to retake his body. That fierce love that wouldn't allow Lucifer to beat Dean to death, his realization of the depth of Dean's love, faith, and trust in him by coming to the final battlefield had allowed him to break free and do what was necessary to stop Lucifer.

Now somehow he was back, from Hell. He didn't know how so he couldn't tell Dean. Now Dean probably thought he was keeping secrets and lying about that too. Well, yeah, he had keep secrets by not telling Dean he was back immediately, because he'd wanted to protect Dean as Dean had protected him most of his life.

Sam couldn't guess how he was back. He didn't have a scar to show an angel had snatched him out. There was no reason to believe the demons would have helped him, especially after he had stopped Lucifer. It was always possible God himself had pulled Sam out but Sam wasn't going to believe that not without proof especially after what Joshua had said about God no longer caring. So, how was he back? Why was he back? What/who had freed him? Those and many other questions had no answers.

So, Sam had avoided facing Dean because he had no answers and couldn't prove to himself much less Dean that he wasn't dangerous. Then the nightmares had started once again and Sam had reckoned Dean was better off as far away from him as possible. Sam had decided that Dean was safer with Lisa and Ben than hunting, much less hunting with an unknown quantity like he now was.

It had been Sam plan to never contact Dean again, but when had his plans ever worked out right?

The nightmares had shown a threat to Dean and his family, a threat from their past and Sam had needed Dad's journal as well as to warn Dean of the danger. That reunion had not gone as well as Sam would have wished, then Dean was furious when he found out Sam had been free a while and tried to find out what had happened on his own.

Now, Sam once again saw the damage choices with good intentions could have and damn it he had thought he'd already learned that lesson. How to quit repeating the mistake was what he needed to learn. Now once again Dean didn't trust him. Sam wasn't drinking again but how could he ever prove that.

Sam sighed again in frustration. He could have argued against coming to Bobby's. Sam had been pretty sure that Dean was planning to put him in here. He could have fought it but what would be the point. Sam desperately wanted to be a full partner and trusted brother, but damned if he could figure out how the hell he was supposed to gain that trust.

Sam flopped back on the cot staring up at the lazily turning fan blades high above. How he wondered had his life ever gotten this far out of control locked in the panic room in Bobby's basement staring at the iron work devil's trap overhead, again.

Sam glanced at the floor mentally tracing the lines of another devil's trap on the floor, well at least this time he wasn't cuffed to the cot or at least not yet.

Sam released another frustrated breath as he closed his eyes trying to figure out what he could he done differently and if it would have helped. He'd made so many mistakes, even some that had seemed the right choice at the time but had they really been wrong, or maybe they had just been choices.

Sam started trying to think back to when his life hadn't been a battle ground and realized that it always had been. He had just been on the sidelines and hadn't been fully aware of how much danger there truly was, at least until he'd confronted Dean over Dad's journal. He'd been how old then? Oh, yeah, nine.

Of course when Sam had questioned Dean about Dad's job and his journal he had already been aware that his family was different than most. They moved regularly and often lived in crappy motels, none of the other kids at school did that.

But when had it started? When Azazel had visited his nursery and fed him that first dose of demon blood. For Sam himself physically but even earlier than that, things had been in motion to put him on his 'destined' path. Mom had made the 'deal' with Azazel for John's life unwitting of the evil that would later come to her child. Dean had gone into the past and tried to kill Azazel bringing them and Mary to his attention. Was that when it had all started?

Sam thought for a moment and then realized the destiny crap could have started even earlier than that since that cupid had mentioned that heaven had stepped in to 'pair up' his folks in the first place.

Better to ask when he'd lost Dean's trust. That maybe at least he stood a chance of answering.

Was it when he left for Stanford after the fight with Dad. He'd failed to call Dean because he thought he would side with John and John had said if he was going to stay gone.

No, probably not after all Dean had come to get him when Dad went missing so at that point Dean probably still trusted him.

So it must have been sometime after Jessica's death. That was obviously the answer. At what point during his quest for revenge, first for Jess and then Dad as well had he lost Dean's trust? When?

Sam glared at the devil's trap overhead and continued to ponder his past. If he knew then what he knew now, what would he change if he could go back again to that fateful night when Dean had broken into his and Jess's apartment?

Dean had still seemed to enjoy the hunting lifestyle and want him as a partner when he'd come to get Sam at Stanford, so maybe they could have mended the rift then but Sam himself had wanted normal. What an ignorant fool he'd been. Maybe he'd been selfish, maybe not. He now realized that normal had been an impossible dream. He had learned so much since then and definitely changed along the way and not often for the better he now realized.

Revenge had been a way of life while growing up and Sam had hated it and the hunting that went with it, until Jessica had been killed he just hadn't understood his father's need for revenge. Unlike many parents John's dreams had been of revenge, and they had been raised hunting and trying to fulfill their father's dreams of revenge against the demon who had killed Mary.

With another sigh Sam opened his eyes to stare at the Devil's Trap high over head and its slowing turning fan. What should he have done differently? He grimaced at the memory of his illusion of freedom when he thought he had quit hunting for good.

Unfortunately mental was the only type of freedom he was likely to get anytime soon, Sam decided he might as well mentally play 'what if' until something changed and someone decided to let him out of the panic room. Maybe Dean would need his help and decide he could be trusted. Yeah, Sam snorted to himself. How likely was that? More likely Dean would let him out but not really trust him, though perhaps he'd say he did. In fact he might even believe himself but as soon as it was tested that trust would in all likelihood fail.

So what could he have done differently? What choice would have made sense and prevented the spiral of distrust between them?

What if? When the dreams of Jessica's death had first occurred he hadn't mistook them for normal nightmares.

He had of course. After all it was nearly the anniversary of his mother's death and in fire on the ceiling was how she had died. Sam had thought the visions were just vivid nightmares and that by replacing Mom with Jess he had merely been dreaming his worst fear and not a vision of the 'real' future.

No, honestly there was no way he could have guessed the truth at that point, much less trusted the visions enough to seriously try to avert it. How could he have rationalized that to anyone, including himself?

Sam had seen plenty of weird stuff growing up, but he couldn't recall any true psychics. Well, his life since had definitely proven how mistaken some of his views had been and he'd thought himself so open minded about what actually existed even though he'd chosen to no longer hunt it.

Yeah, back then he'd been of the opinion that if he left it alone then the supernatural world would leave him alone. No, there was realistically nothing at that time that would have changed the decision to give in to Dean's request to help find Dad. So, leaving Jess seemed a harmless choice at that time.

Sam lay back considering what the next major decision that could have changed things might have been. Hmm, probably the decision not to tell Dean about his dreams of Jessica's death, but then Sam had figured that was only a freak occurrence. Sam had thought it would be a one time thing that would never be repeated. Besides if he'd told Dean then they might not have been able to save Charlie from Bloody Mary.

What if he'd told Dean all about his dreams when Dean had asked after saving Charlie? What would have been the probable out come. Dean wouldn't have believed the dreams were anything special look how hard it had been to convince him to return to Lawrence a few months later.

After Lawrence, well what with seeing Mom's ghost and all, Dean had been pretty freaked out and almost as worried as Sam, himself had been. The fact that Sam had been able to sense more than Missouri hadn't helped matters at all. They had been raised believing everything supernatural was bad and needed to be stopped, but Mom hadn't been bad, had she? Was there anything he could have done differently? No, once again it had seemed the best course of action at the time, so much for going home being good for you. Sam thought with a slight snort and a shake of his head.

Sam considered the past, what had been the next incident after Lawrence? Dean teasing him during the trip to the Roosevelt Asylum had been annoying but not a real problem. The real problem that time had been the ghost that had caused him to shoot Dean with rock salt and then try with a real gun. Maybe Sam ought to have realized then about some of his anger issues, but would that have changed things, probably not.

The next time his psychic stuff had actually done something would have been the Millers. Max had definitely made matters much worse. In fact that was when Sam, himself had begun to doubt whether his powers were evil and to doubt whether he himself could be truly good in spite of his powers. Sam could still remember the discussion about how to stop Max. That had definitely gone badly, it was one of the first time they'd discussed killing a human well at least on that wasn't possessed. He'd gotten a glimpse of how much worse their childhood could have been with a little less hunting and a little more alcohol on his father's part.

Even if he hadn't been so concerned about going bad like Max, Sam hadn't trusted himself at that point. Dean had said he wasn't like Max, but was that true or was Dean just saying that sometimes with Dean it was really hard to tell.

Moving the cabinet with his mind, when he had panicked in his need to save Dean had only made matters worse. True enough he had not moved anything since then until the most recent incident with the table but Sam could never forget Dean's comment about spoon bending and how freaked out he had been. Other than not telling Dean about using his mind, what could he have done?

Not telling would have only made for another lie by omission and that could only have made matters worse later. Was there anything Sam could have done differently that would have helped? No, or at least nothing obvious at that time.

Hmm, next incident? That would have been during the trip to Salvation, when Sam had had the premonitions about Monica and little Rosie. First he'd found out that Jessica and Mom had both died because a demon was after him. Then having his premonition and finding the family. Then that whole mess when Dad had learned about his powers. Had they had time to even attempt to deal with Dad's reaction, much less his own questions?

No. Meg had called and killed Caleb while Dad was listening. He and Dean had gone to save the family and Dad had gotten captured while trying to arrange a diversion so they could kill the demon. Of course, if Sam hadn't missed the shot while the demon was by the crib that could have been the end of it. Yeah, that was one mistake that was definitely his fault.

They'd rescued the family and Dean had stopped him from going in again after the demon. Then when the demon had possessed Dad, he had refused to follow Dad's order to kill him and the demon after a look at Dean.

Maybe he should have killed Dad. It would have save Dad the trip to Hell after the exchange for his soul and the colt to save Dean's life. But would that have helped the brother's relationship, almost definitely not, because Dad would still be dead and Dean would always know that Sam had killed their father.

No, following Dad's order would almost surely have made changes for the worse. They hadn't known Dad would make that deal, so there was no way of predicting that it could have ultimately changed things and been for the better.

Had there been something Sam could have done differently? He just didn't know. All Sam had known for sure was that with Dad's death he had lost another loved one to demons and he wanted revenge even more than he had after losing Jessica.

Sam thought about it for another moment while contemplating the slowly revolving fan overhead in the panic room. He now realized that except for his time at Stanford his entire life had revolved around revenge. First with his Dad's hunting to get revenge for his mother's death and then his joining in the hunting with Dean after Jessica's death. With Jessica's death Sam had finally gotten a glimpse of what drove his father's obsession. Then before he'd had time to come to terms with everything Dad was gone as well.

Sam considered his father's death. John had made that deal to save Dean. But before he'd gone he'd whispered that warning, the warning that Dean had lied about and kept secret for nearly six months. To save him or kill him.

Sam wondered how often Dean had thought about Dad's warning and the possible outcomes. No wonder Dean's distrust of Sam's psychic crap had been steadily growing. First Sam, himself had been uncertain and then had come Dad's warning and after that Sam being immune to that demonic Croatoan virus.

Of course the mess with Andy and his twin had only made matters worse as well. Then what had Sam done after finding out about Dad's warning, he'd left Dean. That had worked out so badly as well.

Separating from Dean always seemed to lead to trouble. First that time he'd left Dean to chase Dad, then wound up going to rescue Dean in Burkitsville. Sam had met Meg, well the possessed version anyway and that had eventually played a part in Dad's death.

After he'd found out about Dad's warning, Sam had left Dean. Ava had helped him save Dean when Gordon had shown up hunting for them. Gordon had been after him but Dean had gotten captured. Sam had managed to find and rescue Dean. Sam had set Gordon up by tipping off the cops, which had seemed a good idea at the time.

Of course it backfired later when Gordon sent Kubrick after him and then came after them himself. Dean knowing Sam had beheaded Gordon with only barb wire had not helped even if Gordon had been a vampire at the time.

Of course before Gordon had shown up again there'd been the disaster of trying to track Ava. Not that they'd had any success except finding her dead fiancé and that sulfur. So he had spent how much time worrying that telling Ava to go home had been a bad decision. Then when the yellow eyed demon had snatched them all, he'd made the mistake of trusting her.

Ava had changed she killed Lilly, Andy, and who knew how many others. She would have killed Sam himself if Jake hadn't saved him. So Sam had briefly been grateful to Jake for saving him.

But Azazel had been talking to Jake as well as taking Sam to the past and showing him his mother's death after she'd walked in on him feeding his baby self demon blood. Sam had wound up fighting him when Jake turned on him but in the end Sam had just knocked Jake out instead of killing him which seemed a good choice.

Dean had shown up just then but as Sam had started toward him and Bobby, Jake had stabbed him in the back. Then to undo the mistake that had cost Sam his life, Dean had made almost the same deal as their father. Not that Sam had wanted him to in fact maybe it would have been better if Sam had stayed dead, especially with all that had followed.

They hadn't stopped Jake fast enough, though Sam had killed him. Jake had opened a Devil's Gate allowing no one knew how many demons to escape. The look on Dean's face when Sam had shot Jake was disturbing and the only good part of that mess had been when what looked like Dad had helped Dean kill Azazel, not that Sam himself had been any use pinned to a tree as he was. Azazel had taunted Dean before he died about his deal. A deal that had left Dean with a year to live. Should he have told Dean then about the demon blood and that maybe he'd saved a corrupted soul? No, better to keep that knowledge to himself and try to save Dean from his deal.

Only Dean didn't want to be saved and Sam had gotten desperate, maybe that was where he had made his real mistake. But how could he not try to save Dean from paying for his mistake. He was his brother. He loved him and besides what good was Sam's cursed life anyway? All he really did get the people he loved killed Mom, Jess, and now Dean. He'd been determined to save Dean, to not let Dean pay for his latest mistake in judgment.

Perhaps that had actually led to his biggest mistake in judgment yet at that point. He had given Ruby the benefit of the doubt when she helped save them from the seven deadly sins. No, he hadn't really trusted her at first, but she'd offered the one thing he wanted, no needed most, a chance to save Dean.

Of course he'd find out later, much later she was playing him for a fool and worse yet would become the source of the worst distance and distrust ever between him and Dean. Ruby had led him to start the Apocalypse and almost end the world itself. But where were the mistakes that had led to him trusting her? Which decision could he have changed that might have stopped that out of control spiral his life had become? Should he just have let Dean's deal play out and his brother go to hell without trying to stop it?

What if Ruby had been telling the truth about helping save Dean?

Well, she hadn't been but how was he supposed to have know that? Sam shook his head at himself and his naiveté as Dean's voice echoed in his head, "She is a demon Sam, they lie."

Stupid, stupid, stupid, how could he have been so stupid, but then he hadn't really been stupid, he just been desperate because of Dean' stupid deal and he'd done that because he was desperate to save Sam and not be left alone after Sam had gotten killed.

Yeah, he had known that demons were evil and that they lied, but he'd just found out about his own demon blood and was looking for anything to prove to himself he wasn't beyond saving, especially after Dean had made that horrible deal. He hadn't planned to trust Ruby, just use her to save Dean. He had even told Dean himself that, but he had listened to Ruby and thought she was honestly trying to help. Yes, he had fallen for her lies about being different and wanting to help.

Sam realized now one reason he'd identified with Ruby was she claimed to be different even as Sam now knew himself to be different. So he had desperately wanted to believe Ruby was good and really she had given him little reason to believe otherwise and absolutely no proof until the very end. Should he have doubted her sooner maybe, but when?

What if he'd doubted her more when she first showed up and help save them from the seven deadly sins. No, she'd definitely saved his life then and probably Dean's and Bobby's as well.

Perhaps when she'd shown up at the diner and revealed her true nature, of course she had given him that information about Mom and the case as well, plus the mention of saving Dean. She was being helpful and good even. Perhaps he should have told Dean about the information he had gotten on Mom's friends, about all the deaths, but then he'd have had to tell Dean why Ruby thought he was so special and did he really have any answers or even a good defense that he wasn't evil?

Dean had already made the bargain and Sam had known he didn't want to live with another death on his conscious. Mom and Jess were dead and that was definitely because of him, probably all Mom's friends as well. Sam hadn't seen the semi till it was too late and they'd been struck, though he had protected them from the demon possessed driver in hadn't been enough. Dad had died and made a deal because Sam hadn't been able to protect them.

Was there anytime during the year between Dean's deal and his trip to hell that Sam could have changed things? Nothing obvious came to his mind.

Then he had lost Dean to the hounds and Lillith and that had ripped his world apart. Sam didn't even want to remember his life in the wake of Dean's death. The light that had saved him had freaked him out as well as being less than welcome because all Sam had really wanted at that point was to save Dean and it didn't matter how. But no matter what he'd tried nothing had worked. Then Ruby had showed up again.

Sam thought maybe he probably should have killed her as soon as possible but he hadn't really cared or had the energy. Stupid Sam had listened to her and her ideas for revenge on Lillith after all that was all that was left for him in life. Hunting was carrying on the family business and revenge was a way of life he understood so well, besides she'd said the things Sam had known Dean would have said and helped him the way Dean would have done.

Part of the time Ruby let him loose himself in the physical and forget the empty disaster his life was and the rest of the time she gave him the support he needed to carry on and keep going. Sam had become addicted to her and her blood and by the time the angels had freed Dean from Hell it was really too late for Sam.

Sam had been thrilled when Dean had first come back, well after he was certain that it was Dean anyway. Unfortunately they'd both kept secrets from each other. Dean kept secrets about hell and angels. Sam kept secrets about Ruby knowing Dean would disapprove of him using his psychic stuff, and he had. Part of that had been the angels and Ruby manipulating them. Mostly though it had been Sam's fault, he hadn't wanted to admit his failures. He had failed to save Dean from hell and that was bad enough. He'd thought that saving people from possession could make up for part of his failing to save Dean, because after all that was the family business – saving people.

It had all been another manipulation and Sam realized that now but at the time he'd been too trapped in his mindset and too addicted to Ruby to see much less believe that things were as bad as they were. If he had been more truthful or Dean had been more open about the angels then things might have been different but probably not.

Falling prey to Ruby and addiction had been the final breaking of the trust between himself and Dean. Was there a single decision that might have changed things? Sam still couldn't decide.

Sam opened his eyes and once again stared at the panic room ceiling and its fan high overhead. He remembered the phone message from just before he'd killed then nurse, but he also remembered Dean coming back for him just after he'd opened the cage and discovered the extent of Ruby's betrayal.

Whatever had saved them had cleaned his system and for the first time in he didn't know how long, Sam could think clearly. It was only then with his mind clear and the knowledge of Ruby's deception that he could clearly see how low he'd sunk.

He'd tried to apologize. He tried to make up for his mistakes. He'd been willing to do anything to try and regain Dean as a brother. After Bobby's possession and outside the hospital, it had nearly broken him again to hear Dean say that he didn't think he could ever trust him.

Sam had continued to try, to be his best, and do the right things the right ways and for the right reasons while they tried to stop the Apocalypse that he'd accidently started by freeing Lucifer.

He had even quit hunting and set Dean free at one point trying to make things right, that hadn't worked and neither had anything else. Eventually they had a plan and a way to stop Lucifer. Unfortunately the only way Sam or anyone else had been able to figure out how to physically put Lucifer back in the cage had been for him to be possessed and then retake his body and physically throw himself and Lucifer into the cage. Sam had meant it to be his final act.

It hadn't been his final act however. Somehow Sam had returned to earth and what seemed to be his own living body. Dean had kept his promise to go live a safe life with Lisa and Ben, so Sam had stayed away not wanting to threaten that, but things had happened and he'd had to get Dean.

Now they were hunting again though not on the best terms because Dean was still mad about not having been told he'd somehow made it back. Then had come the incident with the table and the accusation of Sam once again lying.

Sam wasn't lying, Sam wasn't using blood, but Sam couldn't prove it. Without proof there would be no trust, the past had proven that but Sam had no way of proving he wasn't lying or hiding something this time and the past had broken any benefit of the doubt that being a brother might normal bring.

So here Sam lay once again without his brother's trust now and maybe forever. Who knew what would happen when the panic room door was finally reopened?


End file.
